Why We Struggle with Perfectionism — and How to Overcome It
“Better done than perfect” is a mantra that resonates with many, yet for perfectionists, the urge to achieve flawlessness can be paralyzing. If you find yourself spending an hour crafting an email that should take only five minutes, or if you procrastinate starting tasks out of fear they won’t meet your high standards, you may be grappling with perfectionism.
Understanding Perfectionism
Perfectionism is the belief that one must be flawless in every endeavor. It can severely impact self-esteem, confidence, and mental health. Israa Nasir, a New York-based psychotherapist and author of the forthcoming book Toxic Productivity, emphasizes that perfectionists often feel as if their efforts are never good enough, as the goalposts are constantly shifting.
Three Types of Perfectionism
Research identifies three primary types of perfectionism:
- Self-Directed Perfectionism: Individuals impose high standards on themselves, leading to undue stress and anxiety.
- Externally Directed Perfectionism: This involves expecting perfection from others, setting unrealistic expectations for family, friends, or colleagues.
- Perception-Based Perfectionism: Here, individuals desire to be perceived as perfect by others, often leading to a facade that hides their true feelings of inadequacy.
Danyale Freeman, a writer and activist, points out that marginalized groups, particularly Black women, often feel heightened pressure to be perfect due to societal inequalities. This pressure can create a toxic cycle of striving for unattainable standards.
The Paradox of Procrastination
Interestingly, perfectionism often manifests as procrastination. Nasir explains that perfectionists may delay tasks because they fear not achieving the desired level of excellence. For example, someone might spend excessive time perfecting an email only to hesitate before sending it, convinced it needs further refinement. This behavior can lead to a loss of productivity and increased anxiety.
The Cost of Perfectionism
Perfectionists can be their own harshest critics. Nasir notes that they often treat themselves more cruelly than the strictest boss. The constant need for perfection can inhibit growth and learning, as the fear of failure overshadows the willingness to try new things. While attention to detail is a valuable skill, when taken to extremes, it can mask deeper anxieties and a lack of self-trust.
The Impact on Marginalized Groups
Freeman highlights the unique challenges faced by marginalized individuals. For Black women, the pressure to achieve perfection can feel like a necessary defense mechanism in a society that often undervalues them. This relentless pursuit of excellence can lead to burnout and mental health struggles. Freeman likens this struggle to breaking free from a toxic relationship, where the habit of striving for perfection becomes ingrained in one’s identity.
Strategies to Overcome Perfectionism
- Set Time Limits: One effective strategy is to set a timer for tasks. For instance, if you believe you can write a good email in 20 minutes, set a timer for 25 minutes. When the time is up, send the email without further revisions. This practice helps build trust in your own judgment.
- Establish Completion Criteria: Before starting a task, outline three or four questions that will indicate when the task is complete, even if it’s not perfect. This approach can help clarify what “good enough” looks like.
- Practice Emotional Regulation: Overcoming perfectionism involves learning to manage the emotions that drive perfectionist behavior. Techniques such as deep breathing can help you become more comfortable with discomfort before taking action.
- Seek Support: Enlist a trusted colleague or friend to help you respect your time limits and provide feedback on your work, which can encourage you to take risks without the fear of judgment.
- Embrace Imperfection: Recognize that doing your best is often sufficient. As Freeman shares, “As long as I’ve given it my best, that is OK.” Learning to accept imperfection can foster resilience and reduce anxiety.
Conclusion
Perfectionism is a modern malady that can hinder personal and professional growth. By understanding its roots and implementing practical strategies, individuals can learn to let go of the need for perfection and embrace a more balanced approach to their endeavors. Acknowledging that “better done than perfect” can lead to greater fulfillment and success in both personal and professional spheres.
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